Taking Care of Your Marriage while Parenting

My husband and I are in this weird time in our lives in which our children are emerging as young adults.  We have one daughter who is in college but comes home fairly often.  The initial separation of dropping her off at campus had me in tears even though her school is a mere hour away from home.  Now, our youngest daughter, who is a senior in high school, is making plans to go off to college in the fall.  I want to believe I will be more emotionally prepared for her drop-off.  Fingers crossed! 

With that being said, we realize our life at home will look very different soon enough from what it has been the last 20-some years.  I have mixed feelings about this.  To some degree, there is sadness because there is an unspoken understanding that our family life is going to change, and I love the parent-child relationships we’ve developed.  On the other hand, my relationship with my husband will evolve once again, and I find that exciting.  I see many travel excursions in our future!  And then there’s the uncertainty of what our future holds.  What will it look like?  How will we grow?  What new challenges will we face?

But one thing that brings me comfort is knowing that my partner-in-life is in this with me.  I’m not alone. 

It is so easy to get swept up in the role as a parent when you first have kids.  We believe that being good parents means devoting all our focus on our little ones.  But the problem is, we forget we have a spouse or partner who also deserves our love and attention.  And if we are not careful, we may drift too far from our partner.  I think it is so important to nurture our couple relationship while alongside raising kids.  This not only ensures you and your partner remain connected but also helps your kids see what healthy relationships look like.   

So here are some ways to keep the connection as you navigate parenthood.

1.  Be on the same page about discipline.  If you have differing views that’s okay; just make sure to listen to each other and compromise as much as possible without involving the kids in conflict.   Remember that each of you will form unique relationships with your children.  The relationship between mom and child can look different from the one dad has with child. 

2. Continue dating each other.  Yes, kids make it challenging to have one-on-one time, but it’s not impossible.  And it’s not about fancy dinners and expensive date nights.  What matters most is you give your full attention to your partner like you did before kids.  It’s about QUALITY time!  So put the phones away and have fun with each other.

3.  Talk about your goals as a couple, a family, and as individuals.  Some of these goals you will work on together and others you will offer support to each other to attain them.  But discussing them keeps you aware of each other’s trajectories and keeps you up-to-date with any personal changes that may occur with your partner. 

4.  Share your feelings about your everchanging family dynamic.  It is normal for families to evolve and grow.  I know I felt better when my husband shared that he was experiencing similar thoughts and feelings with our girls growing up.  This allowed us to move toward exploring new ideas on how we will spend all our free time as empty nesters!

Take care of your marriage now because when the kids are gone it is just the two of you!  And it is so nice to know that you still love and admire each other after the parenting is done.  Bravo!

Couples Therapy Appointments

Couples Counseling | Fort Worth | Dallas | Arlington

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” -F.N.

The current situation has created a unique situation for couples across the world, and especially in Texas and Fort Worth. Whether you find yourself spending more time than usual, or less time than usual, with your significant other, you may have found that your relationship has encountered new challenges.

Couples are learning new things about each other across DFW. Couples are suffering from financial hardships. And, changes in work schedules have forced one or both members of couples to seek out difficult solutions to sleep schedule, childcare, and home management.

I’ve assisted hundreds of couples in their journey to heal with each other, and the current times make no difference to my tried and true efforts with men and women across Ft. Worth.

Communication | Marriage Reconciliation | Family Therapy

The biggest misconception when it comes to relationship troubles is that once a problem gets worse, there’s no fixing it. Well I’m happy to tell you that there’s always a path to reconciliation when two people who love each other are willing to put in hard work.

A healthy relationship requires a lot of moving parts, and when we let certain pieces go by the wayside, over the course of weeks, months, or years, relationships can suddenly seem harder to maintain. If a car can’t operate with every single one of its moving parts, how can you expect your relationship to survive more than one problem area?

The trouble is, most couples don’t realize the need for counseling, because they think it’s not for them, or their troubles don’t amount to the need for therapy. It’s too scary of a word.

But, couples shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help, because couples counseling is exactly what the phrase means: advice. I’ve seen so many relationships and marriages that I have a strong hunch where the problems lie. I may direct you to an issue that you didn’t realize was even there, which will produce an even better solution than you could have predicted.

Extenuating Circumstances | Couples Therapy | Ft. Worth, TX

When the whole city seems to have gone dark, and there are no more places to go on dates (like the Stockyards, Billy Bob’s, or Joe T. Garcias), and no parks for a weekend stroll (on the Trinity Trail, Clearfork, or Hulen), couples can get to each other’s throats, feeling like they’re trapped together.

It’s a common thing, you might say! It’s because of what’s going on outside, and once that gets better, the two of us will get better.

But, just because extenuating circumstances have revealed problems in your relationship doesn’t mean that those problems don’t exist when the circumstances change. If problems are getting worse in isolation, it means that activities may be distracting a couple from their underlying issues.

What if another illness were to strike, sending us all back inside? And what if that lasted for a year, rather than a month? Wouldn’t you want to know that your relationship would survive?

Couples Therapy | Appointments Available | FW, TX

Working with couples to rebuild healthy Ft. Worth relationships is what I enjoy most. We’ll work together over one session, ten sessions, as many as you’d like, to strengthen you and your partner’s love for one another, so that even if you were to be trapped in the same room for years, the result would be pleasant.

So whether you’re looking for couples counseling in Fort Worth, Lake Worth, Richland Hills, Hurst, Haltom City, Burleson, Benbrook, or Granbury, I’m here to help. My offices are located on University Drive, just a stone’s throw from TCU. So anyone in the 76107 area is welcome to stop by and set up an appointment any time.

Relationship Goals to Maintain Long-Lasting Affection

You’ve probably heard the term “relationship goals” being thrown about here and there.  Social media has definitely helped promote this to a new level.  Urban Dictionary defines the term as “A couple with such a perfect relationship that other people aspire to them, the “goal” being to have a relationship like the one that the couple has.   

But what exactly are relationship goals?  While showing affection by hugging, holding hands, kissing, or referring to each other as bae can be something that expresses loving feelings, relationship goals are not necessarily confined to public displays of sweet togetherness. 

Don’t get me wrong, the affection is wonderful and can help you feel connected to your partner.  But, these are the aftereffects of hard work from working the goals.  The real relationship goals help you receive and maintain those strong feelings of affection. 

Here are a few goals to explore to strengthen your relationship: 

Spend quality time together.  Couples are so busy nowadays.  With careers and raising children, it can be difficult to figure out when there is time to be alone together.  Digging deep for your creativity in planning for date night comes in handy here.  But the keyword to keep in mind is QUALITY.  It’s not about how much time is spent but instead how connected you feel to your partner in the amount of time you do get to share. 

Learn how to meet each other’s needs. Funny thing is, we naturally tend to give to our partner’s the way we like to receive. Unfortunately, most couples don’t always line up in this department. “If my partner cared, shouldn’t they just know what to do? This way of thinking will only set you up for disappointment. While some couples get lucky and match each other perfectly, the rest of us have to ask, inform, or share our preferences in order to learn the best ways to meet our partner’s needs. Try taking the Five Love Languages Quiz developed by Gary Chapman to learn yours! 

Create personal goals together.  What are some common goals the two of you share?  Maybe it’s learning a new language, taking a trip to a foreign country, or saving up to buy a home.  Or maybe you’re thinking about starting a family.  It’s good to have some common goals in which each of you plays a role in attaining the goal.  At the same time, it’s great to show support for each partner’s individual goals.  Our desires may not always match up, and that’s okay. One partner may really find it exhilarating to skydive while the other partner thinks “hell no!”  We can’t always join our partners in their journeys, but we can show support from a distance.  And for skydiving, that’s a really, really great distance!

Have fun together.  Work on finding ways to laugh more with each other.  Playfulness is the best tool to keep a relationship fresh and exciting.  Most couples begin with lots of fun and laughter.  However, over time, as they build a life together, things get more serious.  Try remembering how the relationship was early on.  Tap into those activities that brought the two of you joy and closeness.  And if some of those activities do not fit into your lifestyles anymore, find new ones!  Think… if you were planning to ask your partner on a first date, what would that look like?

Work through conflict with respect and kindness.  Conflict is natural and expected in a relationship.  “We never fight,” is bullshit.  Seriously, if you never argue, then there is not enough honesty going on in the relationship.  Getting into arguments with each other can be uncomfortable and distressing, however it’s more about how you choose to communicate with each other during the conflict that matters most.  Take turns in sharing and listening.  Active listening is way more important than talking.  This can help reduce and manage the conflict.

Goals for one couple may not be the same for another.   Each couple is unique and so it is wise to avoid using comparisons to assess one’s relationship.  A big problem that does exist is we get too wrapped up in what social media tells us relationships should look like that we lose the ability to perceive it realistically.  You know what you want from your relationship! So go out and get it!

More Couples Therapy for Your Buck!

February Special

Extended Couples Therapy Session

Valentine’s Day is almost here!  And guess what!  I’m offering a February special for all my couples - new and existing.  My couples have the opportunity of receiving an extended counseling session (1 hr. 20 min.) for the same price of a regular counseling session (50 min.). 

So, what does this do for you?  Well, some couples find that it takes a little bit of time to get to the nitty gritty of their issues.  Just as you seem to be getting somewhere, time is up! Then we have to pick up where we left off the next time around.  An extended session offers you the chance to arrive at the problem without feeling rushed.

Another convenience with longer counseling sessions is the chance to participate in couples’ activities.  A majority of session is typically talk therapy, however, activities and games during session can help couples alleviate tension, increase playfulness, and promote closeness. 

Remember ALL sessions booked as a couple pay only $75 instead of the extended therapy session rate of $120.  This is only good through the month of February. And, since these sessions take more time, appointments are limited. If you are interested in booking an extended couples’ session, please email or call to reserve your spot!

Being Responsible Communicators: Three Skills to Manage Couples Conflict

When a partner presents conflict, how is that information given and how is it received? 

What might you say?  You’re such a slob!  Why can’t you ever pick up after yourself?!

How do you respond?  Shut up!  You’re always on my ass about stupid shit! 

When conflict arises, the responsibility to communicate effectively resides with both persons.  Yes both!  It does not matter who started the argument.  If you enter into a fight with the attitude that “I’m going to win” then chances are you’re going to have many arguments in your relationship that will leave you both feeling hopeless and exhausted.  Pointing fingers and throwing blame will not make either of you winners.  Bowing out and avoiding also does not do anyone any favors.

How we speak and listen to our partners during times of conflict expresses how much or how little we respect them.  Over time, partners get a sense of what to expect in future arguments which often leads to a communication cycle or pattern.  In some relationships, one can learn to expect their partner to become disengaged, defensive, or even combative during conflict.  In others, partners might learn that their counterpart is accepting of differing views which make them feel at ease with talking about difficult problems.  The pattern you want to create is up to you.

Here are three tips for building trust and responsibility with conflict:

Speak Gently

When telling your partner that something bothers you, try wording it as an observation.  Avoid starting with “you did this” or “you did that.”  I statements are a great way to express yourself and minimize defensiveness.  When you can present information clearly without accusations or blame, people are more receptive to working toward a solution.  The listening partner can ask for clarification: “I believe what I hear you saying is…” and ask “Was that accurate?”  This expresses to your partner that you have a desire to understand and accept. 

Perspective Taking

When discussing conflict, it is good practice to try to understand how the other person feels.  Mind reading or basing your prediction of your partner’s actions on past history does not help to see your partner accurately, fairly, or provide opportunities for positive change.  Instead, be curious about your partner’s feelings and thoughts.  Respond with, “I see you feel strongly about this.  How come?”  Ask questions like, “What makes you feel this certain way?” or “How long have you felt like this?” to gain clarification.

Provide Validation

Validation does not mean you have to agree with your partner, instead it is about expressing your acceptance of your partner’s differing thoughts and feelings.  Saying something like, “I can see how that would make you feel hurt” can go a long way.  People naturally want to feel understood and connected with others. By accepting your partner’s point of view, it helps them feel secure and valued.

Psychologist Carl Rogers explained it best, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”

Essentially, trust needs to exist on both sides.  Trust to bring and share concerns that need to be addressed.  Trust to listen and respond respectfully.  When both partners are doing their part to work through conflict, they are essentially creating healthy and secure communication patterns for future disagreements.  You have the power, the responsibility, and the choice to set the stage for conflict between you and your partner. So what will you choose?