Taking Care of Your Marriage while Parenting

My husband and I are in this weird time in our lives in which our children are emerging as young adults.  We have one daughter who is in college but comes home fairly often.  The initial separation of dropping her off at campus had me in tears even though her school is a mere hour away from home.  Now, our youngest daughter, who is a senior in high school, is making plans to go off to college in the fall.  I want to believe I will be more emotionally prepared for her drop-off.  Fingers crossed! 

With that being said, we realize our life at home will look very different soon enough from what it has been the last 20-some years.  I have mixed feelings about this.  To some degree, there is sadness because there is an unspoken understanding that our family life is going to change, and I love the parent-child relationships we’ve developed.  On the other hand, my relationship with my husband will evolve once again, and I find that exciting.  I see many travel excursions in our future!  And then there’s the uncertainty of what our future holds.  What will it look like?  How will we grow?  What new challenges will we face?

But one thing that brings me comfort is knowing that my partner-in-life is in this with me.  I’m not alone. 

It is so easy to get swept up in the role as a parent when you first have kids.  We believe that being good parents means devoting all our focus on our little ones.  But the problem is, we forget we have a spouse or partner who also deserves our love and attention.  And if we are not careful, we may drift too far from our partner.  I think it is so important to nurture our couple relationship while alongside raising kids.  This not only ensures you and your partner remain connected but also helps your kids see what healthy relationships look like.   

So here are some ways to keep the connection as you navigate parenthood.

1.  Be on the same page about discipline.  If you have differing views that’s okay; just make sure to listen to each other and compromise as much as possible without involving the kids in conflict.   Remember that each of you will form unique relationships with your children.  The relationship between mom and child can look different from the one dad has with child. 

2. Continue dating each other.  Yes, kids make it challenging to have one-on-one time, but it’s not impossible.  And it’s not about fancy dinners and expensive date nights.  What matters most is you give your full attention to your partner like you did before kids.  It’s about QUALITY time!  So put the phones away and have fun with each other.

3.  Talk about your goals as a couple, a family, and as individuals.  Some of these goals you will work on together and others you will offer support to each other to attain them.  But discussing them keeps you aware of each other’s trajectories and keeps you up-to-date with any personal changes that may occur with your partner. 

4.  Share your feelings about your everchanging family dynamic.  It is normal for families to evolve and grow.  I know I felt better when my husband shared that he was experiencing similar thoughts and feelings with our girls growing up.  This allowed us to move toward exploring new ideas on how we will spend all our free time as empty nesters!

Take care of your marriage now because when the kids are gone it is just the two of you!  And it is so nice to know that you still love and admire each other after the parenting is done.  Bravo!