Taking Care of Your Marriage while Parenting

My husband and I are in this weird time in our lives in which our children are emerging as young adults.  We have one daughter who is in college but comes home fairly often.  The initial separation of dropping her off at campus had me in tears even though her school is a mere hour away from home.  Now, our youngest daughter, who is a senior in high school, is making plans to go off to college in the fall.  I want to believe I will be more emotionally prepared for her drop-off.  Fingers crossed! 

With that being said, we realize our life at home will look very different soon enough from what it has been the last 20-some years.  I have mixed feelings about this.  To some degree, there is sadness because there is an unspoken understanding that our family life is going to change, and I love the parent-child relationships we’ve developed.  On the other hand, my relationship with my husband will evolve once again, and I find that exciting.  I see many travel excursions in our future!  And then there’s the uncertainty of what our future holds.  What will it look like?  How will we grow?  What new challenges will we face?

But one thing that brings me comfort is knowing that my partner-in-life is in this with me.  I’m not alone. 

It is so easy to get swept up in the role as a parent when you first have kids.  We believe that being good parents means devoting all our focus on our little ones.  But the problem is, we forget we have a spouse or partner who also deserves our love and attention.  And if we are not careful, we may drift too far from our partner.  I think it is so important to nurture our couple relationship while alongside raising kids.  This not only ensures you and your partner remain connected but also helps your kids see what healthy relationships look like.   

So here are some ways to keep the connection as you navigate parenthood.

1.  Be on the same page about discipline.  If you have differing views that’s okay; just make sure to listen to each other and compromise as much as possible without involving the kids in conflict.   Remember that each of you will form unique relationships with your children.  The relationship between mom and child can look different from the one dad has with child. 

2. Continue dating each other.  Yes, kids make it challenging to have one-on-one time, but it’s not impossible.  And it’s not about fancy dinners and expensive date nights.  What matters most is you give your full attention to your partner like you did before kids.  It’s about QUALITY time!  So put the phones away and have fun with each other.

3.  Talk about your goals as a couple, a family, and as individuals.  Some of these goals you will work on together and others you will offer support to each other to attain them.  But discussing them keeps you aware of each other’s trajectories and keeps you up-to-date with any personal changes that may occur with your partner. 

4.  Share your feelings about your everchanging family dynamic.  It is normal for families to evolve and grow.  I know I felt better when my husband shared that he was experiencing similar thoughts and feelings with our girls growing up.  This allowed us to move toward exploring new ideas on how we will spend all our free time as empty nesters!

Take care of your marriage now because when the kids are gone it is just the two of you!  And it is so nice to know that you still love and admire each other after the parenting is done.  Bravo!

Does Therapy Really Work?

Does therapy really work?

This question comes up quite often for me.  And the answer is yes… and no. 

For some people it really works!  Imagine feeling like you’ve tried everything you can think of but you’re still unhappy and struggling to get through your day.  Or, your relationship is still as crappy as it was three months ago.  You get to a point in your life where something has to change, and you know it! 

When I was pregnant with my firstborn and married just a year, I realized I had not dealt with a trauma that had occurred during my teen years, and I felt helpless and lost. The fact that I was about to give life forced me to do something.  I hit the jackpot with my beautiful husband, but as wonderful, caring, and supportive as he was, he wasn’t sure how to help.  And I wasn’t sure what I needed.

I worked in a building that housed many therapists and counselors so I was lucky that I had plenty of choices and not far to go for my appointments.  I confided in one particular therapist, Dr. G, during my lunch break, and he kindly led me to his office for our first session.  I remember feeling anxious but hopeful.  Yet, I was also completely unaware of how therapy worked.  I didn’t know what to expect and I had my reservations about it.  What was he going to ask me?  Was he going to suggest medication?  Did he have all the answers I needed to feel better?  Did he have magical powers???  Please, oh please!

I’ve got to tell you – it felt amazing and scary at the same time!  I told this person some very deep, dark thoughts about my life that I had not shared with anyone else.  Not even my husband.  I broke down in tears as I recalled my events.  I had been holding back for so long and finally I felt a huge sense of relief.  While I had imagined I would feel exposed by revealing so much of myself to Dr. G whom I barely knew, it felt good to purge such heavy feelings.  I didn’t need to feel bad or shame for expressing my truth.  Dr. G expressed understanding and empathized with my situation.  He urged me to make changes but in a way that made me feel supported. 

You see, my upbringing hadn’t provided me with much experience of healthy relationships so I kept a lot to myself, not unlike my mother in her relationships.  I tried for the longest time to deal with my problems on my own.  And so, I struggled in silence.  But now, this new interaction with my therapist allowed me to learn ways to trust and open up.  He challenged me at times and eventually I began to learn new ways to think and feel about my trauma. 

So, did it work for me?  Well, yeah, that’s why I’m a therapist.  When I began going to counseling, I went for one specific reason – to deal with my trauma.  However, I ended up learning so much more about myself, my relationships with others, about my behaviors, about the reasons I did the things I did.  Life really started to make sense to me.  And even after I walked out from my final session, I continued to build on my new awareness and make choices that were healthy for me and my family. 

Of course, this isn’t always the case for everyone.  I believe you have to be open to counseling and ready to make real changes.  But what I’m not saying is that you have to go by my pace or my timeline.  I respect that my clients will work at a rate that is comfortable for them just as my therapist did for me.  I will forever be grateful for my therapist walking with me through my struggles and guiding me to a new future.  I hope for those who struggle as I did that you take a chance and give it a try.  I believe there is always opportunity to make changes in your life but you have to choose to do so.