Relationship Work Through Individual Therapy

We tend to think of relationship work as something to be done through couples therapy or marriage counseling.  However, it can also be accomplished through individual therapy.  While I see couples, I see many more individuals who want to work on their relationship with a significant other by means of individual therapy. 

Couples therapy can be very effective, but if both partners are not on the same page about receiving counseling, it can be a real challenge to even get them to their initial appointment.  When this happens, it can prolong the opportunity to begin healing and can keep one partner or both from feeling better.  On average, it can take couples seven years to seek professional help after experiencing difficulties in their relationship.  That’s a long time to struggle on your own!  Or, if the reluctant partner agrees to attend session, he or she may not be as active of a participant as the partner who requested therapy.  This can lead to more frustration.

While it would be ideal to have both partners attend therapy with the same level of commitment, individual therapy can still prove to be worthwhile in making improvements in your marriage or relationship.  By choosing to attend individual sessions, you are able to speak freely without hurting your partner’s feelings.  You can explore your own behaviors and actions without judgment.  You can learn effective communication strategies to help you talk with your partner about your concerns.  You may even discover things about yourself that play out in your relationship. 

So, if you are someone who is looking to improve the quality of your relationship but can’t quite get your partner on board, individual therapy can be a great way to get started.  It is not uncommon to see the reluctant partner express interest after noticing their own partner begin to exhibit positive changes at home.  You don’t have to wait seven years! 

Does Therapy Really Work?

Does therapy really work?

This question comes up quite often for me.  And the answer is yes… and no. 

For some people it really works!  Imagine feeling like you’ve tried everything you can think of but you’re still unhappy and struggling to get through your day.  Or, your relationship is still as crappy as it was three months ago.  You get to a point in your life where something has to change, and you know it! 

When I was pregnant with my firstborn and married just a year, I realized I had not dealt with a trauma that had occurred during my teen years, and I felt helpless and lost. The fact that I was about to give life forced me to do something.  I hit the jackpot with my beautiful husband, but as wonderful, caring, and supportive as he was, he wasn’t sure how to help.  And I wasn’t sure what I needed.

I worked in a building that housed many therapists and counselors so I was lucky that I had plenty of choices and not far to go for my appointments.  I confided in one particular therapist, Dr. G, during my lunch break, and he kindly led me to his office for our first session.  I remember feeling anxious but hopeful.  Yet, I was also completely unaware of how therapy worked.  I didn’t know what to expect and I had my reservations about it.  What was he going to ask me?  Was he going to suggest medication?  Did he have all the answers I needed to feel better?  Did he have magical powers???  Please, oh please!

I’ve got to tell you – it felt amazing and scary at the same time!  I told this person some very deep, dark thoughts about my life that I had not shared with anyone else.  Not even my husband.  I broke down in tears as I recalled my events.  I had been holding back for so long and finally I felt a huge sense of relief.  While I had imagined I would feel exposed by revealing so much of myself to Dr. G whom I barely knew, it felt good to purge such heavy feelings.  I didn’t need to feel bad or shame for expressing my truth.  Dr. G expressed understanding and empathized with my situation.  He urged me to make changes but in a way that made me feel supported. 

You see, my upbringing hadn’t provided me with much experience of healthy relationships so I kept a lot to myself, not unlike my mother in her relationships.  I tried for the longest time to deal with my problems on my own.  And so, I struggled in silence.  But now, this new interaction with my therapist allowed me to learn ways to trust and open up.  He challenged me at times and eventually I began to learn new ways to think and feel about my trauma. 

So, did it work for me?  Well, yeah, that’s why I’m a therapist.  When I began going to counseling, I went for one specific reason – to deal with my trauma.  However, I ended up learning so much more about myself, my relationships with others, about my behaviors, about the reasons I did the things I did.  Life really started to make sense to me.  And even after I walked out from my final session, I continued to build on my new awareness and make choices that were healthy for me and my family. 

Of course, this isn’t always the case for everyone.  I believe you have to be open to counseling and ready to make real changes.  But what I’m not saying is that you have to go by my pace or my timeline.  I respect that my clients will work at a rate that is comfortable for them just as my therapist did for me.  I will forever be grateful for my therapist walking with me through my struggles and guiding me to a new future.  I hope for those who struggle as I did that you take a chance and give it a try.  I believe there is always opportunity to make changes in your life but you have to choose to do so.