Relationship Work Through Individual Therapy

We tend to think of relationship work as something to be done through couples therapy or marriage counseling.  However, it can also be accomplished through individual therapy.  While I see couples, I see many more individuals who want to work on their relationship with a significant other by means of individual therapy. 

Couples therapy can be very effective, but if both partners are not on the same page about receiving counseling, it can be a real challenge to even get them to their initial appointment.  When this happens, it can prolong the opportunity to begin healing and can keep one partner or both from feeling better.  On average, it can take couples seven years to seek professional help after experiencing difficulties in their relationship.  That’s a long time to struggle on your own!  Or, if the reluctant partner agrees to attend session, he or she may not be as active of a participant as the partner who requested therapy.  This can lead to more frustration.

While it would be ideal to have both partners attend therapy with the same level of commitment, individual therapy can still prove to be worthwhile in making improvements in your marriage or relationship.  By choosing to attend individual sessions, you are able to speak freely without hurting your partner’s feelings.  You can explore your own behaviors and actions without judgment.  You can learn effective communication strategies to help you talk with your partner about your concerns.  You may even discover things about yourself that play out in your relationship. 

So, if you are someone who is looking to improve the quality of your relationship but can’t quite get your partner on board, individual therapy can be a great way to get started.  It is not uncommon to see the reluctant partner express interest after noticing their own partner begin to exhibit positive changes at home.  You don’t have to wait seven years! 

Ways to Manage Anxiety During COVID-19 Pandemic

This year has been absolutely wild!

My family and I were visiting loved ones out-of-state during spring break when coronavirus began to really spread in the U.S.  While I tried to relax and focus on family time, I have to admit I was anxious to get back home.  Being away made me feel helpless and unprepared.  I mean, were we going to have food and toilet paper when we got back??? 

As we made our way home, a great amount of changes started to occur in a short amount of time and we received news in the form of social media, news channels, word of mouth, and emails.  I felt bombarded by all this information that honestly added to my confusion of how to feel and how to think.  I began to recognize my physical sensations - tightness in chest, muscle tension, shallow breathing, etc.  My anxiety began kicking in. 

Many of us are experiencing feelings of anxiousness and uncertainty due to the numerous adjustments that have been made in our attempts to contain COVID-19.  These changes rattle our normal way of living and threaten our autonomy.  However, there are still things we can do to try to gain a sense of control during these crazy times. 

Five ways to cope with our current anxiety:

1.  Establish a consistent routine.  Like so many others, I am losing track of my days.  Is today a weekend or a weekday?  You may not have the same routine but you can find ways to make it more consistent.  Anxiety can come up for us when we sense that things are unpredictable.  And while we don’t know when this situation will return to “normal,” we can structure our schedule in a way that provides comfort and stability. 

2.  Avoid information overload.  Limit your news outlets to avoid feeling more anxious than is necessary.  Different sources can provide confusing, conflicting, and alarming information which can lead to increasing anxiety in us.  Also, too much anxiety can lower your immune system making you more vulnerable to sicknesses.  Which is what we are trying to avoid, right?

3.  Connect with others. So, you can’t meet your friends for coffee or have your family over for dinner.  That’s a real bummer for a lot of us.  Being quarantined can easily make us feel isolated which can play a significant role in our state of mind.  Make good use of the technology we have available – call, text, or video chat with friends and family to keep from feeling lonely and disconnected.    

4.  Allow time for yourself.  You are probably confined in a home with one or more people.  Closeness is great but it’s okay to require alone time too.  Some of us need that individual time to re-energize and clear our minds.  Establish times that you and your family members will spend together and apart.  If you live in a small home, compromise with your loved ones on shared space and consider your outdoor space as an extension of your living area. 

5.  Adjust your perspective.  Change your perception of the situation.  If you see it negatively, you are more likely to experience it negatively.  Look at this as a temporary situation in which you have an opportunity to focus on other avenues in your life.  How might you make this time useful for you?  What projects have you had on the back-burner?  At some point, we will go back to work and school, we will hug and hold our loved ones, and toilet paper will be plentiful again!  But how do you want to look back at this event?  Did you make good use of this time?

In some cases, it is necessary to seek assistance from a mental health professional.  Many therapists and counselors have made the jump to providing services via phone and video chat.  You can receive quality mental healthcare from the comfort of your own home. If you feel your anxiety is overwhelming and finding it difficult to cope, I encourage you to reach out for help.  And remember, we’re all in this together!

To a Fresh Start: Three Ways to Help You Reach Your Goals

As we kickoff another New Year, we are reminded to begin new habits, behaviors, or traditions.  Each new year marks an opportunity for a new beginning, a fresh start.   We make decisions that influence our health, our financial status, and even relationships with others.  And while we have good intentions in making changes to increase positivity in our lives, we are often met with challenges or complications that keep us from meeting our goals.  Most of us find that we lose momentum days, weeks, or months (bless you strong-willed ones!) into the new routines we set for ourselves. 

Here are three things to keep in mind as you navigate your way through new experiences and transformations:

Embrace failure. 

It is quite natural to have setbacks as we build toward new habits.  Failure is part of the process as we grow and change.  The meaning we give to failure is that it is negative. Imagine as a toddler, if you had given up learning to walk after a few falls, what a tragedy that would have been!  But because the juvenile mind could not perceive failure as a bad thing, we were allowed to keep trying.  We didn’t worry about being judged or criticized. Falling and stumbling was seen as a natural progression to walking smoothly and with confidence. It is through our challenges that we learn about ourselves, how strong we are, how resilient we can be, and what is important to us. 

I absolutely love what Sara Blakely, founder and CEO of Spanx, had to say about failing.  Her dad gets uber kudos from me for reframing her idea of failure! 

Focus on the process. 

To be successful in whatever challenge you choose, Jeff Haden, author of The Motivation Myth, suggests you focus on a small series of successes rather than the end goal.  Each small victory propels you to make more efforts. He adds that motivation is not something that exists within the individual but, rather yet, needs to be created and cultivated.  It is through the repetition of smaller, attainable processes that motivate you to keep going. 

Now I’m not here to tell you what your process should look like or what it needs to include.  You can pick up a copy of The Motivation Myth or turn to James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, to learn more about the right kind of processes or systems for your goal.  However, I do encourage you to focus more on the process than your goal.  When we are goal-oriented, we tend to judge our progress unfairly and it make us feel worse about ourselves which, in turn, leads us to give up. Goals take time to achieve and can leave us feeling discouraged.  But by paying more attention to our process, we learn to appreciate our efforts and skills and even gain enjoyment from working through our process.  This drives us to staying on a path toward our desired outcome.

Recognize past efforts. 

Take a moment to reflect back on all the things that you’ve experienced over the year.  What has been joyful?  What have you endured?  Have there been challenges you went through that have altered you? 

While we look forward to a new year and all the potential there is for a fresh start, it is also important to acknowledge the strengths and tenacity you gained from your past.  Looking back and acknowledging our gains and losses helps us appreciate how much we’ve learned or grown from those experiences.  We often don’t give ourselves enough credit for the efforts we’ve made throughout the year.  How many times did you manage to make it to work on time?  How many books did you finish reading?  How much writing did you accomplish? What vacations did you take?  What have you learned from your challenges? 

Making an honest assessment about past accomplishments and failures helps us move forward with a greater awareness of what we need in order to achieve new behaviors or habits. Even when you believe you fell short on a goal or resolution, there is something to learn from that struggle. Trying is how we get better!

So this year, make it a good one!  Take your time to reflect on the past.  Learn from what you have already done.  Engage in the process and care less about the goal outcome.  And most of all, be brave! Welcome failures as they come.  It means you are trying!

Best of luck to you!