The Concept of Non-Attachment: Dealing with Breakups

A couple of years ago I accompanied my husband to a mediation class being held at the Botanic Gardens here in Fort Worth.  While I encourage my clients to practice meditation as a coping strategy, I had little practice myself.  This was the perfect opportunity for me to learn more about what it meant to meditate. 

Aside from meditation practice, a portion of the class was spent on discussing Buddhist teachings and I was very interested to learn the concept of Non-Attachment.  As Buddhist monk, Gen Kelsang Menla, spoke about the downfalls with becoming attached to things or people, it reminded me of the many breakups I hear about in session and the breakups I’ve endured in my past. 

One of the things we focus on in therapy when an individual is going through a breakup, separation, or divorce is making an honest and healthy assessment of the relationship.  When the individual is not the one who made the decision to part ways with their partner, they tend to exhibit more anxiety and seek ways to remain connected.  Their need to salvage the relationship can sometimes get in the way of allowing the hurt partner to view the relationship fairly. They can often feel very overwhelmed with their feelings but reflecting on their relationship can be helpful in moving forward. 

Non-Attachment in a Relationship

What I understood of non-attachment is that it is a way to live more freely, to accept impermanence as reality.  It is not seeking ownership or control of a partner. Non-attachment is about letting go of expectations and detaching (but not in a bad way).  Often, we hear that detaching means to disengage, avoid, or as a way to express lack of love.  But really non-attachment allows you to both engage with another in a more honest way and to express mutual love and respect.  But, sometimes that can also mean letting go altogether of relationships that no longer work. 

The Problems with Too Much Attachment

So, what’s the problem with too much attachment (or any attachment)?  Aren’t we supposed to attach to our partner?  Okay…maybe. But consider the following:

Too much attachment can impede on healthy boundary setting.  When we are too attached to another individual, we are likely to look the other way, loosen our boundaries, and adjust our own values so that we can remain in the relationship.  We are no longer true to ourselves.  

Too much attachment can promote controlling behaviors in us.  Our expectations of what a relationship or partner should be can get the better of us.  If we focus too much on controlling other people or situations, we are likely to feel disappointed or let down.  And inadvertently, our efforts to keep everything under control to maintain the ideal image can have the opposite effect. 

Too much attachment can limit self-growth.  It can lead us to use ineffective and unhealthy behaviors to get our needs met. Instead of building on new skill sets, we continue to use the same tried and true (or so we think) methods.  Instead of moving through life freely, we give up our autonomy and freedom to be controlled by something or someone else. 

Am I Too Attached?  And What Can I Do Now?

Reflect on Your Relationship with Fairness and Honesty.  How much have you had to adjust of your values and beliefs to be in your relationship?  Have they been easy ones to make or have they been challenging?  Are they in any way harmful to you or someone else?  What role did you play to keep this relationship going?  And what fears or concerns do you have with letting it go?  Take time to answer these questions so you can be true to yourself. 

Limit your communication with your breakup partner or ex.  Continuing to keep a connection might feel good now but it does prolong the healing process.  While you might not always be able to cut ties completely, minimizing communication in any way you can will be helpful. 

Take Time to Heal.  Although new relationships can take your mind off your breakup, make this an opportunity to be kind to yourself and realign with your values and beliefs.  Take time to be with yourself before jumping into another relationship so that you and your new relationship can be stronger and healthier. 

As a couple’s therapist, I continue to work with clients on healing from relationship breakups during this pandemic.  Whether a relationship ended because of the strain the pandemic has placed on some couples or maybe it was inevitable, the quarantine and isolation can add an extra obstacle for some individuals trying to get through a breakup.  If you’re struggling to cope with your breakup, you may want to consider therapy as an option. Stay safe!

“Attachment constrains our vision so that we are not able to see things from a wider perspective.” Dalai Lama

Ways to Manage Anxiety During COVID-19 Pandemic

This year has been absolutely wild!

My family and I were visiting loved ones out-of-state during spring break when coronavirus began to really spread in the U.S.  While I tried to relax and focus on family time, I have to admit I was anxious to get back home.  Being away made me feel helpless and unprepared.  I mean, were we going to have food and toilet paper when we got back??? 

As we made our way home, a great amount of changes started to occur in a short amount of time and we received news in the form of social media, news channels, word of mouth, and emails.  I felt bombarded by all this information that honestly added to my confusion of how to feel and how to think.  I began to recognize my physical sensations - tightness in chest, muscle tension, shallow breathing, etc.  My anxiety began kicking in. 

Many of us are experiencing feelings of anxiousness and uncertainty due to the numerous adjustments that have been made in our attempts to contain COVID-19.  These changes rattle our normal way of living and threaten our autonomy.  However, there are still things we can do to try to gain a sense of control during these crazy times. 

Five ways to cope with our current anxiety:

1.  Establish a consistent routine.  Like so many others, I am losing track of my days.  Is today a weekend or a weekday?  You may not have the same routine but you can find ways to make it more consistent.  Anxiety can come up for us when we sense that things are unpredictable.  And while we don’t know when this situation will return to “normal,” we can structure our schedule in a way that provides comfort and stability. 

2.  Avoid information overload.  Limit your news outlets to avoid feeling more anxious than is necessary.  Different sources can provide confusing, conflicting, and alarming information which can lead to increasing anxiety in us.  Also, too much anxiety can lower your immune system making you more vulnerable to sicknesses.  Which is what we are trying to avoid, right?

3.  Connect with others. So, you can’t meet your friends for coffee or have your family over for dinner.  That’s a real bummer for a lot of us.  Being quarantined can easily make us feel isolated which can play a significant role in our state of mind.  Make good use of the technology we have available – call, text, or video chat with friends and family to keep from feeling lonely and disconnected.    

4.  Allow time for yourself.  You are probably confined in a home with one or more people.  Closeness is great but it’s okay to require alone time too.  Some of us need that individual time to re-energize and clear our minds.  Establish times that you and your family members will spend together and apart.  If you live in a small home, compromise with your loved ones on shared space and consider your outdoor space as an extension of your living area. 

5.  Adjust your perspective.  Change your perception of the situation.  If you see it negatively, you are more likely to experience it negatively.  Look at this as a temporary situation in which you have an opportunity to focus on other avenues in your life.  How might you make this time useful for you?  What projects have you had on the back-burner?  At some point, we will go back to work and school, we will hug and hold our loved ones, and toilet paper will be plentiful again!  But how do you want to look back at this event?  Did you make good use of this time?

In some cases, it is necessary to seek assistance from a mental health professional.  Many therapists and counselors have made the jump to providing services via phone and video chat.  You can receive quality mental healthcare from the comfort of your own home. If you feel your anxiety is overwhelming and finding it difficult to cope, I encourage you to reach out for help.  And remember, we’re all in this together!

Does Therapy Really Work?

Does therapy really work?

This question comes up quite often for me.  And the answer is yes… and no. 

For some people it really works!  Imagine feeling like you’ve tried everything you can think of but you’re still unhappy and struggling to get through your day.  Or, your relationship is still as crappy as it was three months ago.  You get to a point in your life where something has to change, and you know it! 

When I was pregnant with my firstborn and married just a year, I realized I had not dealt with a trauma that had occurred during my teen years, and I felt helpless and lost. The fact that I was about to give life forced me to do something.  I hit the jackpot with my beautiful husband, but as wonderful, caring, and supportive as he was, he wasn’t sure how to help.  And I wasn’t sure what I needed.

I worked in a building that housed many therapists and counselors so I was lucky that I had plenty of choices and not far to go for my appointments.  I confided in one particular therapist, Dr. G, during my lunch break, and he kindly led me to his office for our first session.  I remember feeling anxious but hopeful.  Yet, I was also completely unaware of how therapy worked.  I didn’t know what to expect and I had my reservations about it.  What was he going to ask me?  Was he going to suggest medication?  Did he have all the answers I needed to feel better?  Did he have magical powers???  Please, oh please!

I’ve got to tell you – it felt amazing and scary at the same time!  I told this person some very deep, dark thoughts about my life that I had not shared with anyone else.  Not even my husband.  I broke down in tears as I recalled my events.  I had been holding back for so long and finally I felt a huge sense of relief.  While I had imagined I would feel exposed by revealing so much of myself to Dr. G whom I barely knew, it felt good to purge such heavy feelings.  I didn’t need to feel bad or shame for expressing my truth.  Dr. G expressed understanding and empathized with my situation.  He urged me to make changes but in a way that made me feel supported. 

You see, my upbringing hadn’t provided me with much experience of healthy relationships so I kept a lot to myself, not unlike my mother in her relationships.  I tried for the longest time to deal with my problems on my own.  And so, I struggled in silence.  But now, this new interaction with my therapist allowed me to learn ways to trust and open up.  He challenged me at times and eventually I began to learn new ways to think and feel about my trauma. 

So, did it work for me?  Well, yeah, that’s why I’m a therapist.  When I began going to counseling, I went for one specific reason – to deal with my trauma.  However, I ended up learning so much more about myself, my relationships with others, about my behaviors, about the reasons I did the things I did.  Life really started to make sense to me.  And even after I walked out from my final session, I continued to build on my new awareness and make choices that were healthy for me and my family. 

Of course, this isn’t always the case for everyone.  I believe you have to be open to counseling and ready to make real changes.  But what I’m not saying is that you have to go by my pace or my timeline.  I respect that my clients will work at a rate that is comfortable for them just as my therapist did for me.  I will forever be grateful for my therapist walking with me through my struggles and guiding me to a new future.  I hope for those who struggle as I did that you take a chance and give it a try.  I believe there is always opportunity to make changes in your life but you have to choose to do so.