Relationship Work Through Individual Therapy

We tend to think of relationship work as something to be done through couples therapy or marriage counseling.  However, it can also be accomplished through individual therapy.  While I see couples, I see many more individuals who want to work on their relationship with a significant other by means of individual therapy. 

Couples therapy can be very effective, but if both partners are not on the same page about receiving counseling, it can be a real challenge to even get them to their initial appointment.  When this happens, it can prolong the opportunity to begin healing and can keep one partner or both from feeling better.  On average, it can take couples seven years to seek professional help after experiencing difficulties in their relationship.  That’s a long time to struggle on your own!  Or, if the reluctant partner agrees to attend session, he or she may not be as active of a participant as the partner who requested therapy.  This can lead to more frustration.

While it would be ideal to have both partners attend therapy with the same level of commitment, individual therapy can still prove to be worthwhile in making improvements in your marriage or relationship.  By choosing to attend individual sessions, you are able to speak freely without hurting your partner’s feelings.  You can explore your own behaviors and actions without judgment.  You can learn effective communication strategies to help you talk with your partner about your concerns.  You may even discover things about yourself that play out in your relationship. 

So, if you are someone who is looking to improve the quality of your relationship but can’t quite get your partner on board, individual therapy can be a great way to get started.  It is not uncommon to see the reluctant partner express interest after noticing their own partner begin to exhibit positive changes at home.  You don’t have to wait seven years! 

Does Therapy Really Work?

Does therapy really work?

This question comes up quite often for me.  And the answer is yes… and no. 

For some people it really works!  Imagine feeling like you’ve tried everything you can think of but you’re still unhappy and struggling to get through your day.  Or, your relationship is still as crappy as it was three months ago.  You get to a point in your life where something has to change, and you know it! 

When I was pregnant with my firstborn and married just a year, I realized I had not dealt with a trauma that had occurred during my teen years, and I felt helpless and lost. The fact that I was about to give life forced me to do something.  I hit the jackpot with my beautiful husband, but as wonderful, caring, and supportive as he was, he wasn’t sure how to help.  And I wasn’t sure what I needed.

I worked in a building that housed many therapists and counselors so I was lucky that I had plenty of choices and not far to go for my appointments.  I confided in one particular therapist, Dr. G, during my lunch break, and he kindly led me to his office for our first session.  I remember feeling anxious but hopeful.  Yet, I was also completely unaware of how therapy worked.  I didn’t know what to expect and I had my reservations about it.  What was he going to ask me?  Was he going to suggest medication?  Did he have all the answers I needed to feel better?  Did he have magical powers???  Please, oh please!

I’ve got to tell you – it felt amazing and scary at the same time!  I told this person some very deep, dark thoughts about my life that I had not shared with anyone else.  Not even my husband.  I broke down in tears as I recalled my events.  I had been holding back for so long and finally I felt a huge sense of relief.  While I had imagined I would feel exposed by revealing so much of myself to Dr. G whom I barely knew, it felt good to purge such heavy feelings.  I didn’t need to feel bad or shame for expressing my truth.  Dr. G expressed understanding and empathized with my situation.  He urged me to make changes but in a way that made me feel supported. 

You see, my upbringing hadn’t provided me with much experience of healthy relationships so I kept a lot to myself, not unlike my mother in her relationships.  I tried for the longest time to deal with my problems on my own.  And so, I struggled in silence.  But now, this new interaction with my therapist allowed me to learn ways to trust and open up.  He challenged me at times and eventually I began to learn new ways to think and feel about my trauma. 

So, did it work for me?  Well, yeah, that’s why I’m a therapist.  When I began going to counseling, I went for one specific reason – to deal with my trauma.  However, I ended up learning so much more about myself, my relationships with others, about my behaviors, about the reasons I did the things I did.  Life really started to make sense to me.  And even after I walked out from my final session, I continued to build on my new awareness and make choices that were healthy for me and my family. 

Of course, this isn’t always the case for everyone.  I believe you have to be open to counseling and ready to make real changes.  But what I’m not saying is that you have to go by my pace or my timeline.  I respect that my clients will work at a rate that is comfortable for them just as my therapist did for me.  I will forever be grateful for my therapist walking with me through my struggles and guiding me to a new future.  I hope for those who struggle as I did that you take a chance and give it a try.  I believe there is always opportunity to make changes in your life but you have to choose to do so.

To a Fresh Start: Three Ways to Help You Reach Your Goals

As we kickoff another New Year, we are reminded to begin new habits, behaviors, or traditions.  Each new year marks an opportunity for a new beginning, a fresh start.   We make decisions that influence our health, our financial status, and even relationships with others.  And while we have good intentions in making changes to increase positivity in our lives, we are often met with challenges or complications that keep us from meeting our goals.  Most of us find that we lose momentum days, weeks, or months (bless you strong-willed ones!) into the new routines we set for ourselves. 

Here are three things to keep in mind as you navigate your way through new experiences and transformations:

Embrace failure. 

It is quite natural to have setbacks as we build toward new habits.  Failure is part of the process as we grow and change.  The meaning we give to failure is that it is negative. Imagine as a toddler, if you had given up learning to walk after a few falls, what a tragedy that would have been!  But because the juvenile mind could not perceive failure as a bad thing, we were allowed to keep trying.  We didn’t worry about being judged or criticized. Falling and stumbling was seen as a natural progression to walking smoothly and with confidence. It is through our challenges that we learn about ourselves, how strong we are, how resilient we can be, and what is important to us. 

I absolutely love what Sara Blakely, founder and CEO of Spanx, had to say about failing.  Her dad gets uber kudos from me for reframing her idea of failure! 

Focus on the process. 

To be successful in whatever challenge you choose, Jeff Haden, author of The Motivation Myth, suggests you focus on a small series of successes rather than the end goal.  Each small victory propels you to make more efforts. He adds that motivation is not something that exists within the individual but, rather yet, needs to be created and cultivated.  It is through the repetition of smaller, attainable processes that motivate you to keep going. 

Now I’m not here to tell you what your process should look like or what it needs to include.  You can pick up a copy of The Motivation Myth or turn to James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, to learn more about the right kind of processes or systems for your goal.  However, I do encourage you to focus more on the process than your goal.  When we are goal-oriented, we tend to judge our progress unfairly and it make us feel worse about ourselves which, in turn, leads us to give up. Goals take time to achieve and can leave us feeling discouraged.  But by paying more attention to our process, we learn to appreciate our efforts and skills and even gain enjoyment from working through our process.  This drives us to staying on a path toward our desired outcome.

Recognize past efforts. 

Take a moment to reflect back on all the things that you’ve experienced over the year.  What has been joyful?  What have you endured?  Have there been challenges you went through that have altered you? 

While we look forward to a new year and all the potential there is for a fresh start, it is also important to acknowledge the strengths and tenacity you gained from your past.  Looking back and acknowledging our gains and losses helps us appreciate how much we’ve learned or grown from those experiences.  We often don’t give ourselves enough credit for the efforts we’ve made throughout the year.  How many times did you manage to make it to work on time?  How many books did you finish reading?  How much writing did you accomplish? What vacations did you take?  What have you learned from your challenges? 

Making an honest assessment about past accomplishments and failures helps us move forward with a greater awareness of what we need in order to achieve new behaviors or habits. Even when you believe you fell short on a goal or resolution, there is something to learn from that struggle. Trying is how we get better!

So this year, make it a good one!  Take your time to reflect on the past.  Learn from what you have already done.  Engage in the process and care less about the goal outcome.  And most of all, be brave! Welcome failures as they come.  It means you are trying!

Best of luck to you!